The “Alternative” Hospital Bag

So I had this idea…  I thought it was a great one, but we’ll see how that pans out!  The idea stemmed from an NCT ante natal class which I attended with my wife.  They asked what we thought we need to bring to the hospital, to which I said comic relief!  It had mixed reactions but the person who mattered seemed to agree.

Comic relief is exactly what I wanted to bring, and I wanted to do so from the get-go!  The basic idea is that yes she has her hospital bag (don’t worry there’s a post about that here too), but what if she also had a second bag…  a little bag, which she didn’t know anything about.  A bag which I packed for her with the sole purpose of making her laugh?

Well let’s find out how that worked!

I’ll be writing the first half while I work on putting the bag together…  You’ll see that my sense of humor isn’t to everyone’s taste, but then this bag ain’t for just anyone – my wife’s got a pretty demented sense of humor too!

Then the second half will be written once she’s opened it and if need be the dust settles and my testicles once again descend from their hiding place!

What’s in the bag?

I’m trying to get a nice mixture of things which need to have 2 things in common – they’ll make her laugh or distract from her not finding it funny by being “thoughtful” …  Failing that, I recon they’ll at least make me laugh.  What they don’t all need to be is practical!


There aren’t many cards out there which are made for men to give to their partners to say well done for the work which they have put in to the baby…  and let’s face it, they do put in a lot of effort and it doesn’t look like a comfortable 9 months.  I’m not always the biggest fan of cards, but sometimes they can be a nice way to show your appreciation…

…  However!  As there aren’t many well done card or you’re doing great cards for pregnant women, I had to get a little creative and instead got one which just said, “have you ever seen a pineapple get pushed through a donut hole…  You’re about to” card…  What could possibly go wrong?!?!?!

I’ll make up for it by doing a nice welcome to the family card as well for afterwards…  Maybe!  I did see another card which said something like, “I’m sorry to hear about your vagina…  I mean, congratulations on the new baby.”  To be fair…  there are plenty of options out there!

Medical donut

I was told by a friend’s partner that she didn’t want one of these but someone gave her one and it became an instant hit…  So I think this one is going to be quite useful whilst the idea having to sit on an inflatable rubber ring like you’ve got a sprig of grapes growing out of your arse hole is certainly enough to give me a boyish giggle!


We’ve never really wanted kids, not until a couple of years before she got pregnant (he was planned), but we both agree (at the moment) that we only want one…  If we have more than one we need to decrease what we can afford to give them, so if we just have the one, we can spoil him rotten…  So yeah – condoms!  Not that she’s likely to let me back near her for a while after he pushes his meat head out (from the scans it looks like he might have inherited my fat head…  I don’t know where he gets his big balls from though).

Drinking straw

But of course not a disposable plastic one!  I am getting some which are silicone based so they’re reusable…  I really wanted a bendy straw that preferably wasn’t as hard as a steel one.

This is a nice gift…  Something useful (another thing I learned from the ante natal group…  Maybe I did learn some stuff there after all!), as it can be difficult to drink from a cup or bottle while panting like a hot dog (this analogy ends at panting…  this could definitely get taken in the wrong way) on all fours when contractions are at a peak.

You want to keep it a little bit funny so its worth putting it in some custom packaging!

Water bottle

Purely because, what good is a straw without something to place liquids in to…  This one’s definitely what I’d like to call an arse hole distraction!

Hand held massager

As we’re on the subject of arse hole distractions we had some of those wooden hand held massagers during the ante natal class and all the women seemed to like them.  They’re super cheap, not much effort, better than just your hand (especially if you’re massaging for hours) and definitely a way to avoid a kick in the bollocks if this “funny” hospital bag idea goes wrong – you need to have an escape!  However…  I got a slightly different for this bag, just to save space – so I got the plastic roller ball one…  Does the same thing!

But when you’re looking for one of these… Just get a wooden, stone or plastic one.  You don’t want to get caught out getting a vibrating one and rocking up with a Hitachi wand…  That’s a whole different type of arse hole distraction!

Did she like it?

So, the first thing to note is that we went shopping about 7 weeks before he was due and my wife mentioned that she really needed a reusable water bottle…  Me being the tight arse I am I couldn’t let her buy a bottle when I’d bought one just a couple of days earlier – so there wasn’t a bottle in the bag.  However, it did give me the opportunity (as she asked why I’d got her a bottle) to say; “all you need to remember is that it’s part of something you’ll get when you go in to labor – remember how thoughtful that was!”

Another thing which was missing because we needed it a few days earlier was the hand held massager, BUT it was a very thoughtful items to keep in the bag and definitely gave me some brownie points.  We didn’t use it a huge amount but she seemed to quite like it when we did.

In the end we had an emergency c section which meant that she didn’t need the medical donut but it gave her a laugh anyway and I think had she needed it, it would have doubled up between a laugh and something pretty well appreciated…  Our Ripley wasn’t a big baby but he was pretty wide so I think he might have made a mess had he come out naturally.

Overall though the bag did give her some comic relief while we were stuck in the hospital waiting for the induction process to get going, so it definitely did it’s job.  The card was probably the biggest hit (although in the end also wasn’t overly relevant) because she did find it really funny, and the message inside made her cry…  I know how to pull her heart strings 😉

If I had to go through this process again I’d definitely do the same and would recommend it if your Mrs has got a decent sense of humor!

If you fancy buying any of those, just click the images under each section to head to Amazon…  I’ve done the searching for you 😉 – simples!

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